cloning myself = bad idea

why is it so important to us to be the same?

kids are always trying to be the same as their friends. dress the same, do the same things, have the same toys. then when we reach adolescence we try so hard to express our individuality – yet somehow we all look the same while we do it.

those of us who remember the 60’s and the 70’s – all the hippies expressing their feelings against the “establishment” – all did so in the same manner. when punk became popular – thousands of kids – all dressing the same and listening to the same music – again showing how “different” they all were. so many subcultures - goth, rave, emo – cookie cuttered together.

when we grow up, most adults would tell you that they strive to express themselves. to be themselves. to be their own person. ok, sounds great.

think about this: if we prize our individuality so much, why then, when it comes to our marriages, do husbands and wives try so hard to be the same? we attempt, whether we always recognize it or not, to get our spouse to do things the way we do things. to think like we do, to address conflict the same way we do. well, don’t we? we’re thrown off guard when we discover that we have so many dissimilarities. hello?

it is ironic that way back then, we were attracted to our mate because of many of those distinctions. now, our variations can be the very issues that escalate into deal breakers in our marriages.

gunther and i are about as different as you can possibly be. and yes, it was because gunther was so different from me that I fell so hopelessly in love with him, and he with me. little did we know that in the years to come, we would have our work cut out for us.

certain situations seem to trigger our differentness fairly easily. take, for example, travelling.

last weekend, we decided to head down to southern california to visit our son and his family. generally we pack our own gear. gunther has an old army duffle bag that belonged to his dad. it is his favorite “suitcase”. whatever he needs for the trip gets crammed and shoved into that bag. when we reach our destination? you guessed it, in order to unpack, the duffle bag gets upended, usually onto the floor.

i like to use a suitcase. i can fold my clothes in such a way that with a glance i can see what i have with me, and what outfit variations i have available to me. the more choices the better. when we arrive wherever we are going, if i can’t unpack into a dresser or a closet, i can keep everything neat and tidy during our stay.

gunther cannot comprehend why i need so many choices. i don’t see how he can think through the mess.

decision making is another huge divergence in our home. gunther likes to take his time, contemplating every angle, making sure he’s gathered all his facts. even when he thinks out loud, and sounds as though he’s come to a decision, i have learned not to be fooled. there may be a whole lot more thinking that has to take place before he lands. he won’t make a decision until he’s confident that he has examined the issue from all sides.

on most issues, i tend to make fairly quick decisions. i gather what information i think i will need, match that information against any applicable goals, morals, scheduling, whatever, and bam! decision made.

one more example: socially, i think i would’ve been a hermit if i had not married gunther. seriously, i could’ve holed away with a good book for most of my adult life. thanks to my husband’s stretching affect on me, i have learned to extend much farther. i enjoy most social functions, and can hold my own in a crowd. but i am still a wallflower at heart.

gunther adores people, adores social settings, loves to be in the middle of a crowd. he’s always been the people guy. he is as comfortable chatting with a perfect stranger, as he is with his own family.

these are only a few of dozens of examples in our relationship. when we carry these differences into our everyday living - you can imagine all the ways we have to deal with our differentness. i think most of us agree – appreciating and living with someone’s uniqueness can be challenging.

i heard a great story recently that has helped me allow for our distinctions: a man and his wife decide they are going to go to the top of the skyscraper so that they can see the view from the top. they get to the lobby and she sits down to put on her jogging shoes. she wants to take the stairs. no way! he says. he has no intention of climbing all those steps, he wants to take the elevator. so they exasperate themselves and each other struggling to change the other’s mind. the reality is that they both have the same goal – they want to get to the top. so why not embrace their differences and let the other one get there they way he or she wants? they can still enjoy the view together – which was the whole point in the first place.

i’m learning – again – to give my husband space to be himself. truth is, i like that he’s not like me. i like it a lot. he’s not going to do things my way. i’m not going to do things his way. it’s ok. we will live. and we can adapt. we are adults.

sameness = boring. vive la difference!

these are our two youngest grandchildren. ethan (the blondie) wanted his peanuts neatly kept in the drink slot of the cooler. he wanted to eat his snack from his “plate” – alone.

wyatt, wanted to share. he wanted to experience snack eating together with his cousin.

two different styles. you see the conflict it produced? they are not adults.

the story of sam

meet samuel jon. this is sam at a little over a year of age.

this story is very hard for me to tell, but i felt it was time to share it publicly. my hope is that others can learn what i learned, without having to suffer what i went through in order to learn it.

for the most part, gunther and i have a healthy relationship. yet, we are not without our problems. like most couples, there are those issues that we skirt around: things i bring to his attention that he does not see, areas of weakness in my life that my husband may point out, but I choose to disregard. the popular rationale tends to be that because the criticism comes from our spouse it must not be valid. after all, what does he know? he’s just being crabby, or critical, or it’s really his issue, not mine. right? are you with me? you know what i’m talking about, don’t you?

several years ago, gunther pointed out to me that i was afraid. me. afraid. whatever. i was raised to be a strong, independent, often adventurous woman. and i am. yet from time to time, as a result of something i would say, or do, he would express concern at an undercurrent of fear in my life. as the months progressed he brought this “fear” to my attention – often. it began to become a source of real irritation for me – and one of concern for gunther. i continued to disregard his comments and to insist that he was perhaps not seeing things as clearly as he supposed.

(look at the expression on this little man's face - gives you a clue into his personality!)

one weekend we went to a marriage seminar put on by our church. we like to “tune up” our marriage when we have the chance. bob and carolyn whitaker were the speakers. something bob said that weekend hit me like a ton of bricks: (paraphrased) “we tend to disregard the remarks made about us by our mate – when in fact, because our mate is the closest person to us, it is actually their observations that we should take the most to heart”.

immediately i knew. not that i agreed with what gunther had been telling me, but rather that i at least needed to examine whether there was validity before i just tossed out what he had to say. i remember feeling a little scared (hmm, that’s curious isn’t it?) and i offered up a quick prayer, “Lord, i’m sure my husband’s out to lunch on this one, but just in case, if there is any fear in my life, would You please show me?” subject closed. moved on.

fast forward a couple months. as a regular practice, each summer our entire family spends a week together at the lake. we love water sports and we love each other, and it’s a great time to connect and play and relax. this particular year we went to lake shasta. oh - i love that place. we rented a vacation home at the lake, and the fun began.

we came from all directions, and there were a lot of cars parked on the street in front of the house. one day, a couple days into the week, we were all taking a break after lunch, relaxing before the next wakeboarding run. i thought i would go out front and move some of the vehicles off the street. i wanted to park them more tightly on the driveway so the neighbors would not be upset with us (ask anyone who lives on a street where there are vacation houses – it can be a real pain for the locals).

(sam and his big sissy)

i moved the first couple of cars and was backing the 3rd car into place, driving onto a big pebbled portion of the drive, when i felt a bump. i stopped - curious – hmm – must’ve just been a bigger rock amongst the pebbles – moved again – again a bump.

then i heard the screams.

i could tell they were coming from under the car. i recognized the tiny voice as that of our then youngest grandchild, samuel. he was only 18 mos. old at the time. i opened the car door, my heart in my throat. some of our guys heard the crying and ran to the car – within seconds they had literally lifted up the car and pulled sam out from under it.

somehow samuel had followed me out of the house - unseen. he had been knocked down and scraped up. miraculously, there was a depression in the dirt, and he fell right into it. there was barely enough room between samuel and the undercarriage of the car. centimeters, really. quick examination proved that the tires had missed him – the car had driven over him, but did not drive on him. he was scraped, bruised and terrified, but physically okay.

i, on the other hand, was in hysterics. even as i write this the tears are streaming down my face. the shame. the guilt. the “what ifs”. the reality that i could’ve killed my precious grandson. gunther ran to me and grabbed me as i collapsed in his arms, sobbing. the first thing out of my mouth was tremendously revealing: i gulped through the sobs, “the thing i have feared the most has come upon me”.

and then again i knew. i was afraid. afraid that something might happen to someone i love. afraid of loss. afraid of accidents and peril. afraid of failure. afraid of fear. afraid.

fear is a terrible enemy. to live in fear is to invite all kinds of bondage and paralysis. it opens doors and access points to darkness and evil. that may sound extreme, but think for a moment – you probably know someone whose life is marked with fear. how has it affected them, and their family? the outcome is just no good.

i knew at the time of the accident that i would need help in identifying and routing fear in my life. so without delay, when we returned from vacation i set about immediately to get the assistance i needed. somehow i knew that if i put it off, i might talk myself into not following through. “i can handle this on my own”, “i don’t really want others to know what i did”, or “it’s not all that bad after all.” i am thankful that i was able to get support – and fast. i needed to face the fears, and deal with them - to address the guilt and the shame of having run over sam. i am grateful to those who helped me through the fear. grateful to my family and my children for their mercy toward me.

i am thankful for God’s grace, especially to forgive myself for what happened. you could’ve told me until you were blue in the face that i wasn’t to blame, but i needed to forgive myself nonetheless. i needed to allow myself to receive the mercy offered me so that i could find peace.

and i am thankful for our friend james. james had been housesitting for us in our absence. when he learned of the incident, he was overcome. for two days at the beginning of the week – he was so troubled that he literally could not sleep. he could not shake the feeling in his gut that something awful, something terribly horrible was going to happen to our family. he prayed, and he prayed and he prayed for God to protect us and to avert disaster. he prayed, until, at last, a sense of peace replaced the sense of doom. thank you my friend. thank you for fighting when we weren’t even aware there was a war. your goodness to our entire family has not been forgotten.

is there a moral to all this? maybe several. i still don’t like it when gunther points out my faults or my failures – but if i can’t take it from the one who loves me the most, who can i take it from? God in His divine care, will sometimes allow us to suffer so that He can work more of His character into our lives. and remember, God never sleeps. He’s got your back. no need to fear with a Guardian like that.

a word to husbands

Recently Vickey and I were able to get away for a little while and enjoy some rest and relaxation. We stayed with some friends at Lake Almanor, near Mt. Lassen. We drunk in the beauty around us, played, and had a great time just being together.

Vickey and I like each other's company, and I realized how grateful I am that we have learned to treat each other with respect - it hasn't always been the case.

I have observed a trend in many households that concerns me. I’m talking about the way in which family members speak to each other: a husband barks at his wife, the mother clips harsh directives to their children, children yelling at their parents...seeds that produce bitter fruit. I want to speak first and primarily to husbands about this. Hey guys, as leaders in our homes - the buck stops with us. What we initiate will trickle down through the rest of the family. It’s too easy to blame the Mrs. for what’s going on in our homes, when, in fact, we can lead by example, and set the tone in our family. Men, take a tip from someone who’s been around long enough to learn at least a couple of things.

Eric Hoffer, author and longshoreman philospher said “Rudeness is a weak imitation of strength”. Being the man of the house doesn’t mean treating your wife with disrespect. Think again about how you address your best girl and remember how you said things when you were convincing her about yourself. If you’re not sure if you are speaking kindly to your Mrs., just ask her. She’ll tell you if your tone gets abrasive, or if her feelings are hurt. It may affect your pride but the wisdom book says “…whoever heeds correction, shows he is wise.”

The way you talk to your wife, will also set the tone with your children. I like this quote: Fred Astaire once said, “The hardest job kids face today is learning good manners without seeing any.” How can we expect our children to treat us with respect, when we do not give respect to each other, or to our kids? Do your children see you blaming your wife, speaking harshly, even contemptuously to her at times? They are going to follow suit and treat her the same way you do.

Just to press the point, I’ll go one step further. I Peter 3:7 states “. . . be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers”. Whoa - your prayers hindered? Like – answers could be delayed – or held up – or not come? Think about that one. This warning is very vivid to us now with ''call waiting'' in which one party abruptly says ''Excuse me while I get this other line!" In context this might refer specifically to the husband’s prayer! This one verse speaks volumes about how important our treatment of our wives is to the Lord. So much so, that He literally will turn a deaf ear to our requests. Been wondering why you aren’t getting the answers you‘ve been asking for? Examine your manners. Could it be that you have treated your wife with less than the respect that is due her?

Your family may be entrenched in some unhealthy practices, but you can change the cycle, and turn this thing around. Be patient, be kind, be polite - - - and just see the affect that it has on your wife, and even your children.

And a note to the wives - if your husband already practices good manners - tell him how much you appreciate the way he treats his family. We can all use the encouragement.

family can be a good thing

i love it when everyone comes “home”. all the kids, all the grandkids. we eat. we talk. we laugh. during one such weekend the scene looked like this: one grandchild spilled soap bubbles in one bedroom. another grandchild had an accident in the other bedroom. some of the boys shot hoops in the driveway. our granddaughter demonstrated her “kung fu ballet” in the living room. the babies tried to play the piano. one child was either chasing or squeezing one of the dogs. someone else took a nap. nothing earth changing. no great pearls of wisdom to share. but lots of mess, and noise, and activity, . . . something happening in every corner of this big ol’ house.

people comment all the time, what a large, loving family we have. and it’s true, we do have a large, loving family. but there’s a lot that goes on behind the scenes of this affectionate tribe. we get irritated at each other. even angry at times. we inconvenience each other. we step on each other’s toes. we can get in each other’s faces. we are a group of leaders with strong opinions about pretty much everything.

gunther and i have been very intentional about cultivating this family together. there has been one guiding truth that has navigated us through the occasional tiffs and struggles – we choose to love each other, and loving each other is more important to us than being right. if we have to agree to disagree on certain issues, then we will do all we can to make our peace, humble ourselves, and forgive. it is our goal not to stay angry – not to hang on to our hurts. it’s not easy - it can mean confrontation and vulnerability. it takes honesty. it means revealing “hey, that hurt me” and “there’s something between us that needs to be made right”. it can be hard work.

when those situations arise, what helps is remembering that we love each other and are for each other. when you know you’re on the same team, it’s a lot easier to work through the muck.

truth is, we’re not all that unique. we have lots of skeletons in our family closet. our collective background is not all that pretty. i mean issues. but rather than allowing our family history to define us, we’ve chosen to establish our own legacy, and by God’s grace, deal with our stuff.

the payoff? a large, loving family. we have vital growing relationships with each other, and we are priviledged to be a part of one another’s lives.

not there yet? take heart and begin with one member of your family - do all you can to make a connection. this cliche can ring true: “let it begin with me”, or “be a part of the solution, not a part of the problem.” the saying goes “you can pick your friends, but you can’t pick your family”, but consider what could happen if you were to invest in your family, and your relatives were to become your friends too.


here are some photos from our easter weekend together; it was family madness.







the kids enjoying the bounce house.

Gamma enjoyed it too!

we decided to include a little family competition - including a ballooon launching contest, and a pie eating contest.

we were thrilled that our daughter-in-law's parents decided to join us for the easter celebration. here is gunther and gail. at the end of the competition, gunther decided to plant his pie in gail's face. in the true spirit of family - she got him right back!

it was a celebration worth remembering!

the wedding standard

cameron ingalls recently interviewed us for "the wedding standard".

cameron is an amazingly gifted wedding photographer; someone who has raised the bar in his industry. in a world where the competition is stiff, one of the unique things about cameron’s talent is that he is so willing to give away what he has learned. as a result he has encouraged and inspired scores of other’s to pursue their dreams.

although we are continually impressed at what cameron produces from behind the lens, he has so many other skills and characteristics that are even more outstanding. so that you won't think we are biased simply because he is our son-in-law – you need to know the truth - we actually fell in love with him before anna did.

please check out our interview.

the story of miss daisy

meet little miss daisy. she is a miracle baby, in more ways than one. she was born premature at 33 weeks. miracle #1 = she was healthy at birth. lungs, heart, everything worked normally. she was just tiny, very tiny.

miracle #2 = she shouldn’t even be here. the real story begins long before daisy was even conceived. daisy’s tale is really the story of her daddy and mommy: tommy and laura. we met tommy and laura a few years ago, and have been witnesses to their incredible journey. it is such a gripping account, we asked them if we could share it with you.

this blog will be longer than usual, but stick with us. we believe you will be impacted and uplifted by their story.

this saturday, tommy and his wife, laura, will celebrate their fifth wedding

anniversary. in their own words however, it hardly seems like it’s only been 5 years. so much has happened, and they have personally changed so much – they’re not the same people who got married. . .

tommy and laura come from broken homes. both sets of parents divorced when their children were very young. when tommy and laura met, each had already married, and been divorced. from the first date, there was a connection between them, and they were inseparable. they shared a common passion for drinking. they loved to party, and they seemed to do that well together. within a year, they were married. looking back, they’re not really sure why they married when they did. they say that perhaps it’s because they both recognized that they longed for the stability of marriage and family. it’s just that neither one of them really knew how to do that.

from the beginning, their life was a “routine” of hard work during the day, and hard drinking every night. it wasn’t long before laura got pregnant. the reality of a pregnancy compelled laura to cut back on drinking for the safety of her baby. as she drank less, she was also less tolerant of tommy’s alcohol consumption. although laura had made a few lifestyle adjustments, tommy had not. she became the sterotypical ball-and-chain wife: demanding that he cut back on his drinking, that he show up for dinner, that he report his whereabouts to her. such unaccustomed requirements only proved to breed resentment in her husband, and the cycle of what tommy and laura now call “fighting and bailing” began. they would fight which would further justify tommy’s tendency to disappear (sometimes for days on end), which would lead to more fighting, and give him more rationalization to “bail” again. the cycle was constant and never-ending.

tommy’s dependence on alcohol progressively increased. at night, he would drink until he passed out. by 7 am the following morning, he would start the day with a couple of beers in order to control his constant battle with the shakes.

the tension between them grew, as did their financial woes. after a couple of years, laura says she had reached her limit. one day, while tommy was away at work, laura packed up and she and the kids moved out. she began to make preparations to leave the area and start over. when tommy realized what she was planning, he filed divorce proceedings – forcing her to stay local. in response, laura retained her own attorney, and the nasty divorce business was underway.

it was during this time, laura confesses, that she began to secretly read her bible. it wasn’t something she wanted to broadcast, but she was desperate and at the end of herself. she visited a local church on occasion. slowly, very slowly, she began to get healthy. she noticed small changes at first. she found herself not falling into the same old response patterns with her husband. however, laura was still struggling with her own addiction to alcohol. she had a history of binge drinking. she would do okay for awhile, and then have a night where she would drink till she dropped. after one such night of binging, laura put her boys to bed, walked into the backyard, and had, what she called a “meltdown”. hopeless and inconsolable, she begged God to end her life. recognizing the overwhelming issues that both she and her husband were dealing with, she believed that her sons would be better off if both she and tommy were dead. she implored the Almighty to let her fall asleep and never wake up. laying out her case before heaven, she pleaded for death. exhausted, she went to bed, literally expecting not to wake up. instead, she awoke craving free. to her surprise, she was also free from the cravings for nicotine.

as a result of her incredible experience, laura was compelled to make contact with her husband. she had no thoughts of reconciliation, but she wanted him to know that there was, after all, hope. she called him, and reluctantly, tommy agreed to meet with her at a local park. as Laura relayed what had happened to her, suggesting that perhaps he too, might find some help at a local church, all tommy could hear was his wife, once again, telling him what he needed to do. in an outburst of anger tommy told laura that he could simply not believe that any church would “let her in” knowing her background. he was enraged and resentful at the notion that laura – every bit as sick and “messed up” as he was, could be under the impression that she could ever belong to any group willing to embrace her, flaws and all.

disappointed, laura did not lose her confidence. she was beginning to experience a measure of healing, and she was encouraged. laura says that she knew at that point, that despite what happened with her marriage, she and her boys would be ok. she told tommy that he was free to do what he wanted, but from that point on, she would not participate in any divorce proceeding. she made a decision to move on with her life, and to the best of her ability, invite God to continue to heal her.

not long after that encounter, tommy celebrated his 35th birthday. once again, taking a risk, laura decided to gift tommy with his own bible. she had received so much comfort and help from reading it, she believed that he would too. again, as before, tommy’s response was not what she had hoped it would be. tommy was horrified at the gift. he says, “i thought, ‘how could this horrible, evil person, give me this holy book’”? to him, it was full-blown hypocrisy. to laura, his reaction was another blow. she spent the evening in tears, crying and praying for her husband’s soul. she knew that tommy’s life, both physically and eternally, was weighing in the balance.

what laura did not know was that tommy was also a drug addict. up to that point, tommy had successfully hidden his long term drug use from his wife. he had long since stopped asking to spend time with the children. any time he spent with his kids meant not being able to drink or use around them. he would find himself watching the clock to see if he could make it before the shakes set in. he decided it was simply easier not to see them. he too, wanted to end his life. he entertained thoughts of suicide and contemplated how he could make it look like an accident. due to a loss in appetite, he had stopped eating. his only sustenance was alcohol and drugs.

tommy knew he was in trouble. he began to notice signs that his body was wearing out. his heart was failing. at 35, his health was seriously compromised. all of his systems were struggling to continue functioning, and the day came when he knew that if he got one more bag of drugs, his heart would quit. he had reached the point of desperation, where he was willing to ask for God’s intervention. in his room, he dropped to his knees and begged for the help he knew only God could give him. he remembered that his mother had offered to take him to a rehab center, and he decided to accept her offer. he made the call and his mom quickly arranged for his enrollment in a treatment program. however, the center could not facilitate him until the next day. tommy had a dilemma. the shakes were a regular part of his existence, and he knew he would not be able to endure them. “mom”, he said, “i really want to do this, but the only way you’ll get me there is if you let me drink all the way to rehab.”.

not knowing what the future would hold, as tommy and his mother headed out of town, he called laura to ask if he could stop by and say goodbye to the boys. he laughs now as he recalls that dark day- “i had to ask her where she lived!”

laura was relieved that tommy was willing to get help, but still had no desire or expectation for restoration between them. while tommy was a patient in rehab, she went to his apartment so that she could collect his personal things for him. his living situation was such that she did not know if his belongings would be secure. what laura discovered made her immediately regret her actions. she found evidence, not only of tommy’s drug use, but also that he was having an affair. “that was it!,” laura told us, “i decided that he could rot in rehab for all i cared”.

meanwhile, tommy was improving. because of the degree of his addictions, the detox portion of his program took longer than most. but he was on the road to physical recovery. he cooperated with all aspects of the program, and responded well to his counselor. remarkably, tommy also experienced his own touch from God. for the first time in his life, tommy became acutely aware of God’s love for him. as he describes it “i had a strong sense that God was with me. not only that, but that He cared about me, was my friend, and that i was ok with Him.” that reality had a profound effect on tommy, and like his wife, slowly, he began to change from the inside out. one day, to tommy’s horror, his counselor suggested calling laura to set up a meeting. aware that laura knew of his infedility, tommy responded “i’m not calling her! she hates me!” he says he was literally afraid of what she would do. but in spite of tommy’s objections, right then, the counselor picked up the phone and called laura, inviting her to come. shocking herself, and maybe a little curious, laura agreed. what she encountered surprised her. she noticed a changed tommy – what she calls a “spark”. “there was a light there that wasn’t there before”, she remembers.

several weeks before, in a moment of vulnerability, laura had written a letter to tommy. in it, she expressed her deepest emotions to him. she told him all the things she wished he would say to her, pouring out her heart in honesty on the never delivered note. during their meeting with the counselor, tommy read a letter aloud to her. he said things to his wife that he had never said to her before, things that laura had always hoped he would say to her, things that she had expressed to him in the letter she never gave him. tommy was honest about his mistakes, and communicated how much he loved his wife. something shifted. there was a small crack in the armor around both of their hearts. these visits continued during the course of the rehab program. they would meet first with the counselor, and then they would spend time alone together talking.

laura had serious reservations about the wisdom of tommy coming home. still believing that full reconcilation was next to impossible, she laid out her list of contingencies, certain that none would be fulfilled. she was not interested in tommy’s return until and unless he agreed to continue marriage counselling after rehab, and she wanted them to go to church together, or, at least give it a try. without hesitation, tommy agreed.

it has been 2 ½ years now since tommy came home. when laura picked him up, he greeted her “hi, I’m tommy. i’ll be your husband for the rest of your life.” to this day, laura cannot explain the change in her heart, and the unbelievable lack of resentment, especially concerning her husband’s infedility. somehow, both of them have chosen to focus on their own issues, extending forgiveness to the other.

the story does not end there. there is much more to tell, but the next chapter will have to wait for another blog. life has not been a bowl of cherries since tommy and laura reunited. the first 90 days the couple faced situations that would make any of us buckle: extreme financial hardships (including issues with the irs), pending jail sentences for tommy, repairing a family, etc. more than once, one or both were ready to throw in the towel. with a fervent trust in God, the support of friends and family, and a renewed commitment to each other, they are sticking it out. to meet them, you honestly would never know the dark places where they have walked. they are a shining example and a source of constant encouragement to any couple who may be struggling. as they would tell you “we were a train wreck. believe us, if we can make it, anyone can.” now they speak of their love for each other with tears in their eyes.

and that . . . is the real story of little miss daisy. she is yet another expression of the healing that has taken place in their lives.

the funnest part? daisy was born on my (vickey) birthday. what a fun birthday present!

happy anniversary tommy and laura!

the beauty of a budget

i hate budgeting. seriously hate it. why do i hate it so much? first of all, it’s a time consuming exercise. time i would rather spend doing just about – well, anything. plus it forces you to really look at where you’ve been spending your money, which can be a painful reality. a budget hits you where it hurts. translation: following a budget can mean not being able to do some things that we really like to do. it can mean sacrifice and restriction.

sometimes the process of setting up a budget produces conflict. one of vickey’s love languages is gift giving. we do not see eye to eye when it comes to allotting a dollar amount to that category. i have a little better handle on the costs involved in maintaining and ultimately replacing a vehicle. this is another area that can bring some disagreement. what about haircuts? entertainment? see the potential for conflict here? it can take some discussion time, and patience, before any compromise, and then agreement can be made.

there’s no denying that for some couples adhering to a budget can be gruelingly painful. establishing a spending plan requires gut-level honesty with each other, sometimes even forgiveness and understanding. most definitely it means a change in spending habits. and there, boys and girls is where the rubber meets the road.

recently we established a new budget. we’ve set up a spending plan before, but in the last few years we have not followed it as closely as we’d like. with global financial developments taking their toll, our household has not been unaffected. so, in the interest of prudence – and in trying to make ends meet – we agreed it was time to visit our “budget” once more, and really make a commitment to stick to it.

we re-did our budget at the end of december. it’s been a month or so and we need to make a few adjustments. we’ll go back to the drawing board to see how we did – some areas we budgeted too high, others too low. we need to take a good look at how we did and if we biffed on the budget - find out why. honesty, forgiveness, trust, understanding. it all comes into play.

the actual following of the budget can, at times, be difficult. sure, there are things we’d like to do, that for now, we just can’t. or rather, we choose not to. saying “no” to yourself is not a popular american practice.

the good news is that we have a mutual goal – we know what we’re trying to achieve financially. and we remind ourselves constantly that sacrifice now, may pay off later. in today’s economy – the goal of many is simple - plain survival: making ends meet in spite of the loss of a job, or increasing fuel prices, or the loss of a home. for others the goal may be a comfortable retirement, college funds, a nice vacation, debt payoff, buying a home or even leaving an inheritance for your children.

any negatives of budgeting are more than balanced by the positives: living within your means, achieving your financial goals, even learning how to work together as a couple is a big plus.

when i say i hate budgeting – i mean it. but it hurts so good, if you know what i mean. as a married couple, we encourage each other and help to keep each other on track. it feels good when we see the plan successfully working. we have setbacks, everybody does. sometimes it’s two steps forward - one step back. when the setbacks come, we strategize again, adjust the figures if need be, or explore together what other options need to be considered.

if you haven’t already budgeted - there are lots of materials out there to help get you started. we recommend any of larry burkett's materials, or dave ramsey's stuff. both of their websites have free downloadable forms to help get you started. you can also explore your library, your local church, and even community professionals for what’s available.

take a deep breath and dive in. if we can do it – anybody can.